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Here are two strategies we can use to help children integrate both sides of their brains.
The first is to “connect and redirect.” We can help children to surf their emotional waves. Right-brained emotional waves are very strong, so it helps to start by making a right-brain to right-brain connection. In other words, connect with your child using a right-brain comment. Katie’s dad acknowledged that she felt sick, and said, ‘And I know that didn’t feel good, did it?’ Only then did he put the story together for Katie, using more logical details. Performing a right-brain to right-brain connection first is known as attunement. Attunement acknowledges feelings using empathetic facial expressions, a compassionate tone of voice, and nonjudgmental listening. It allows our children to ‘feel felt,’ creating a safe space to then address the situation or problem more logically. Once the brain is in a more integrated state, it’s easier to manage the left brain, and solve an issue. It doesn’t mean giving up on boundaries and discipline, nor does it mean solving problems immediately. It just reduces the emotional overload, allowing you to connect and then redirect.
The second strategy is “name it to tame it.” This strategy helps to access the left hemisphere and retell the story of a scary or painful experience. Telling the story of what happened, or using drawings and play to do this, can help a child make sense of the experience. With Katie, her dad helped her to tell the story of what happened the day she was sick at school, and then he helped her to realize that school was enjoyable, her teacher cared, and that he was always there to fetch her, and that she could learn to love school again.
Type Two Is Integrating the Upstairs and Downstairs Brain
It’s tough to teach children how to make wise decisions when their emotions feel out of control.
Let’s imagine the brain as a house, with an upstairs and downstairs section. The downstairs area is the more primitive part of the brain, responsible for the basics like breathing, automatic responses, and intense emotions. The upstairs brain contains the study and library, and lets in more light, allowing you to see things clearly and make wise decisions.
We want our children to balance logic and emotions, confront their difficulties, and grow from experiences. When raw emotions do not have the left brain logic to help them, like the emotions Katie was battling with, the bank of chaos looms. On the other hand, if they deny their feelings, the shift is towards the bank of rigidity. We can help our children to build the imaginary staircase between the two levels of the brain, reminding ourselves that a child’s brain is always a work in progress.
Here are two strategies we can use to help integrate both sides of the brain.
The first strategy is to “engage, don’t enrage.” Here we have to ask ourselves which side of the brain we want to appeal to. If tension is building, it may help to engage the upstairs brain instead of trying to halt the rage brewing in the downstairs brain. So when you can see that your child is about to lose it, you can ask for more precise words for how they feel, and then maybe ask them to come up with a compromise that works for everybody, or start negotiating.
The second strategy is “use it or lose it.” What we want to do is give our children lots of opportunities to practice using their upstairs brains. Giving them a choice works well. For a younger child, it could be asking them what color shoes they want to wear on a day, and for older children, letting them debate difficult decisions like buying a computer game now, or saving their allowance for a new bike at a later stage. They then have to live with the consequences of their decisions.
We build self-understanding through questioning why they made particular choices, or why they felt a certain way. We can also build empathy by exploring why someone else might be crying or feeling upset. We foster morality when we give hypothetical moral situations and discuss how to solve them. And, of course, we should be modeling all of this through our behavior.
But, what can we do when our child is disconnecting from the upstairs brain and overwhelmed by emotion? The next strategy is to “move it or lose it.” It’s worth remembering, that our emotional state changes when we change our physical state through movement or relaxation. Vigorous activity, such as playing “keep it up” with a balloon or trying some yoga poses, releases a lot of tension and stress.
The Third Aspect of Integration Involves Memory
Memories aren’t like photocopy machines that produce accurate pictures of what took place in the past. The hippocampus stores memory with an overlay of emotion, and our memories always coexist with the feelings we attach to an event. Memory also isn’t like a filing cabinet, where we simply pull them out when we need to.
Children associate past experiences with what might happen in the future. They then react accordingly. Once an implicit memory is spoken about and understood, it becomes explicit and, therefore, easier to deal with any fears they may have. Children don’t just forget about difficult experiences; we have to help them understand what happened, and how they felt about it. Then, just like a jigsaw puzzle, put all the pieces together.
Here’s a strategy that might help children to integrate implicit and explicit memories. It’s called “using the remote of the mind.”
Retelling a scary event is helpful, but sometimes a child is uncomfortable talking about it. We can then use the idea of an internal DVD player with a remote control that they can use. Using an imaginary remote control, the child can pause, rewind and fast-forward through parts of the story. They can replay the experience in their minds more safely, fast forward through the scary parts if they want to, or pause if it’s challenging.
This strategy allows them some control over a bad memory. Eventually though, we have to help them retell the entire story, including the uncomfortable or scary parts.
The other memory-integration strategy is “remember to remember.” Here we bring positive and memorable family experiences into our storyline as much as possible. We can encourage our kids to recall and tell stories about these events. They don’t have to be big celebrations; little happenings are also important. Perhaps you can get them to create a memory book. If they can build on things that happened in the past, it’s easier for them to contextualize what’s happening to them in the present.
The Next Type of Integration is, “The United States of Me”
We can help children to integrate their memories, feelings, and thoughts in order to understand their minds. When they learn that they have some choice about how they feel or respond to situations, it’s very empowering.
Siegel developed the concept of “mindsight,” which helps us see what’s happening in our minds. He uses the “Hub of Awareness” along with the metaphor of a bicycle wheel. There’s a hub at the center, and various points or spokes around the rim. The hub represents the executive functioning part of the brain, where we can connect with ourselves in a deep and considered manner. This is our center of awareness.
The rim’s numerous points include thoughts, feelings, and memories that we have, and where we sometimes get stuck. We can shift our attention and energy to other parts of the rim, reminding ourselves that we’re more than those particular thoughts or fears we tend to fixate on.
Six-year-old Jason had an irrational fear that the ceiling fan in his bedroom would crash down on him during the night. When he drew his Wheel Of Awareness with the center’s hub, he could start to move his attention away from the fan blades, and the scary feelings they caused, and redirect them to the other rim points. These included how much his parents protected him and what fun his day had been. He could also use imagery, or relaxation techniques to help him to relax.
If children find the Wheel of Awareness difficult, there are two other strategies we can use.
We can “let the clouds of emotion roll by.” Just as clouds come and go, so do feelings. This way, children can learn that they’re not their feelings. The difference between saying “I am lonely” and “I feel lonely right now,” allows them to understand the difference between a temporary state and a permanent trait. Feelings are like the weather. They’re real, but they come and go.
There’s also the process of SIFT. SIFT is the acronym for sensations, images, feelings, and thoughts. We can use this acronym to help children sort through physical sensations such as butterflies in the tummy, images that might be worrying them, such as an embarrassing moment at school, and feelings. It helps if they have a broad “feeling” vocabulary, so they can use specific words like “disappointed,” as opposed to a more general one like feeling “sad.”
Children can also learn that they don’t have to believe all their thoughts. We can encourage them to argue with the ones that may not be true. And we can teach them strategies that calm them, like visualization techniques or imagining a place where they feel calm and peaceful. If they can access a sense of stillness and calm, they can learn to separate from and manage the storms that brew around them.
The Final Step is to Integrate Self and Other
This is also known as the “me-we” connection. Sometimes children need a little bit of help with their empathy and to recognize others’ needs and perspectives. Enter the fascinating discovery of mirror neurons. Our brains are activated to respond to the actions of somebody else. We can nurture this built-in wiring in our children to create more empathy.
For example, if we see someone in tears, we often become tearful too. Our bodies automatically respond to someone else’s emotions and actions. We mirror them. Hence, our kids can learn to empathize with others, without losing their sense of who they are.
We need to keep building experiences that lead to connection. Here are two strategies that we can use to do this. The first is to “enjoy one another.” Play more games as a family, build a bit of “silly” and fun into the equation, and foster unique experiences. These practices reinforce what it means to be in harmony with others.
But it doesn’t just have to be good times. The final strategy is to “connect through conflict.” If our children argue or complain about something someone said to them, we can ask them to explore the other person’s perspective. They can look at why they thought this person responded differently, and explore another’s reactions without being defensive. They can observe someone’s non-verbal behavior to understand what emotions they might have. We can also teach them to fix things after a fight by discussing how they can make amends. This could be through a kind act, or a letter of apology.